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Hand Picked Outfit. 🩷
I don’t do crew socks but I’ll blow the mind of the crew. -El’Aundra
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The Fear Of Nothing
I was sitting and thinking about getting the chips of paint off the stairs I was asked to clean. It’s work. And work is good. But what isn’t good is the energy I give myself. I talk to myself in such a way that is so awful and mean. Sometimes I want to be left alone. I don’t understand at times what people’s boundaries in life might be. In life we make an accident sometimes or we just have this idea that we were what most people would consider flawed. We spoke our honesty. You might not have meant to. You might not have known what the issues might have been with you. With what you said. With what you’re doing. And it’s so sad that people exist who are there in such a way to distribute their insecurities on your life. You broke me and I returned to work broken. Unfiltered. Washed up. Wading by the cliff…to jump into the waterfalls of peace. Of presence. Of entanglements in happiness. Relax. Unwind. Be free. Actively entertaining the essence of growth and consideration for myself. It hurt. There was so much missing in me. Something forever gone and me forever guilty. Guilty of insecurities. And faith. Faith in me. Faith in the past. Faith in the present. Faith in the future. I didn’t realize that someone else would feel uncomfortable about my using my talent. But you don’t realize what your craft is to you isn’t the same to someone else. I get tired of misconceptions. I was pregnant. And I was going through such a mental turmoil in my life at the time, I just couldn’t get my footing. I kept slipping. We all fall, sometimes in emotions. But it’s how we get up that matters the most.
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Let me tell you
Can I tell you how beautiful I already am. How beautiful I want to be. Can I also tell you what I’m running from? I’m running from a world that’s evil. That world was my past.
I always felt beauty. I always relished in my way to captivate an audience. To take people by storm and win. That’s the goal. But the right way. The demonic tense always told me that the demon was at me from where I was coming from. It was someone close to me. So I started thinking that I’m losing this person. He would tell me that my mother is evil. And I was like what do you mean. My mother is passed away and my mom is alive. And I didn’t support the connotation. I knew me as feeling a confident woman. A beautiful woman. A concept of comfortable sorts. As I didn’t want him portraying me as something different. He broke me baby. So hard. And they’re more but I can’t tell you. What I can tell you is this.
I sat down on the couch. He had texted me asking me to come over to his condo. He was not the demonic presence. But something felt uncomfortable about being there. He said something about having a million dollar idea. And I was confused at the time. But I was thinking to myself I’m worth so much more than what my circumstances are. And so I went to sleep that night in his bed. And he was so disrespectful with his mannerisms. I’m sleeping next to you and you hit me in the head with your arm half asleep over my head like three times. I have to inch closer to the edge of the bed. I didn’t understand this. He just wanted me to please him. Didn’t want to please me the way I wanted to be please. Only using me for what he needed at the time. It was awful. I set my alarm for my Uber for early in the morning. I had to walk to work. I was working a job cleaning apartments. And as I walked around I thought what million dollar idea is he talking about? Because when I asked him he said nothing about it. Ignored my question.
So then I thought about my current circumstance. I thought about everything I was going through. I was going to work at a job where I was cleaning apartments. I had just left a relationship where a man desires me to literally be something I am not. Someone I am not. He wants me to be filmed all the time but not in the sense of what I am comfortable with… consenting and being paid. So therefore I thought to myself I wonder if he would ever try to tape me going through what I’m going through…
Then I thought to myself I wonder if this would be a good million-dollar idea for someone who hates me… make one of the most beautiful talented women I know look broke. Make fun of her being broke. And then I just went I work. I went to work on myself. And when I saw Luther Vandross on Instagram with his weight loss I was enamored. I had lost 150 pounds. And I don’t remember being congratulated and appreciated for so much in life. Like if you found money on the ground, if because you know I’m broke and want to monetize my social media; why would you offer 1/3 of what you found? I was offended. So I said no. I’ll manifest my own money. I don’t want it. You found $60 and want to give me $20. That’s not good enough so I’ll manifest my own. You found it. Keep it yourself. A man appreciates what he’s greatly sacrificed for. I am sacrificing quite a lot to come onto these social media sites with everything I have had to hold in for years. I can’t wait for more and more love around me.
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Repeating
It’s a stupid genre of repeating.
I look at the phone.
I almost threw up in my sleep.
Almost farted.
All I hear in my ears is classical.
That’s peace.
Classical in my ears.
Around me.
Anything else isn’t leave.
Nowhere nearby.
Disruptive technologies.
The devil uses.
To bring himself down lower.
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Long Ago
How it was a couple times.
Long ago.
Was that if a man didn’t realize.
Or recognize.
Or massage my talent.
To sing or write poetry.
And want to invest in me.
And lift me up.
Then they would cheat on me.
And not realizing that they’re investing.
In someone’s sex.
Thinking it’s going to be a bigger payout.
Then my talents.
And I can’t be mad.
If that’s not the person.
I would just move on.
I wasn’t concerned.
With what models they dated.
I cared about who I was.
As a person.
And how I treated and loved myself.
Which then bled to other people.
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In order for
Sometimes in order for complaints.
To not go through.
You have to have a police officer.
Cover for you.
Just so you can keep doing.
What you’re doing.
To me.
Without retribution.
Except I had connected with people.
Of a different intellect.
And asked God to take away.
This hate in my heart.
I was walking around my house.
Feeling like it was evil.
I didn’t want it.
I felt sick.
And I remember thinking.
Double pregnancies too.
But I didn’t go dive deeper.
Into the thought.
Thankful that I had something.
But my stress.
Made it so I couldn’t carry.
What was going on.
Was making it so I couldn’t create life.
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Evil Motives
And if you’re never going.
To be as honest as me.
The woman you’re standing.
In front of.
Isn’t worth marrying.
I told you how honest I was.
And you didn’t respect it.
So,as a man.
Raising children.
You’re telling me you want.
To live your life with a dishonest woman?
I get turned on by how good I am.
I don’t need to whisper how evil I am
Because I’m not being evil
So,in fact if what turns you on.
Are evil motives.
No wonder why.
I would rather be celibate.
And stay tight.
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You cannot
You can’t make someone do anything.
I can’t make someone tell me the truth.
I can only ask for it.
I can’t blame someone.
For what’s happened to me in life.
There’s not enough mistakes in life.
To equate to the emptiness and loneliness.
You feel for a lifetime when you’re ignored.
Shamed.
Ridiculed.
If God told me that I needed to pay.
And my pastor told me.
To come forward with my trauma.
I’m trying to figure out why deny someone.
The very truth that sets them free?
Because you want to keep me bounded.
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A Poem To Me
I don’t think you realize.
How beautiful you are.
I love how your eyes glow.
I love staring at your smile.
You look so much like your parents.
Especially like your mother.
You’re just a beautiful creature.
In this world going around.
Giving light baby.
Sunshine baby.
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The Strong Ones
And it’s the strong ones.
That inspire you.
To fight.
Because we have been insecure.
We have been battered.
We have been used.
Over and over.
We have been used as lessons.
We have been used as inspiration.
We have been used as revenue.
But yet we never get a chance.
To get renewed.
And maybe we haven’t done.
What you have.
But still needed hope.
Still needed peace.
Still needed guidance.
Still needed loyalty.
Still needed trust.
Still needed respect.
Still needed love.
And you chose to banish.
Until you’re banished from their light.
Strong, warm, enclosing light.
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07.03.24
Woke with the immense desire to lay flat all that controls my emotions. I slept on the couch. I had fallen asleep on the couch while we were watching a movie. I woke to notice that I had most definitely not gone to the bed. He had already gone to the bed. I was so tired. My hip was bothering me last night. Sometimes it feels like such a deep rotting pain it puts me to sleep. So I just leave myself to the side of the spiritual pain body to be released.
We were watching a movie last night that really provoked so much other thinking in my mind. It was so interesting how this man was so damaging to these associates of his. How he talked to them. It was quite awful. So, I began to think about the way he abused this woman while he was talking to her. The dynamic was toxic, and he was very much psychologically abusing her. But then she became more of a journeyman to the abuse delivery and began dishing it out to people that created an insecurity inside herself.
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Full Disclosure
Full disclosure, I don’t get called beautiful often. So I relish in being able to do it for myself. Many times whether single or in a relationship, someone may get comfortable and not shower me with compliments like I shower myself. I zoomed into this picture so deep and just felt my heart flip. It’s not that I am in love with myself necessarily, it’s that I am essentially two people. And although I have a twin that is deceased, I am in love with myself in the way that I am also in love with the other half of me because without that I am somewhat incomplete. Albeit this isn’t a sensual context I am explaining, I complete myself by loving the true me. I relish in someone being able to appreciate me and love me for my depth. I guess what I’m saying is that when a woman gets dressed and pretty you neglect to compliment her genuinely and she’s within your reach or yours; it builds up like bricks. Piling up. And it compounds. Then she doesn’t feel beautiful. Although she may hear it from someone else. Or even feel it from someone else. And I know for me, thats a major reason I had left so many encounters platonic. They just didn’t recognize my worth.
www.elaundra.com is where I have full writings of even things on here. A dream is to write books.
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Rare Gift… Honesty
Goodnight. Please. Just love yourself. Live for my pleasure and happiness. I don’t want you leaving this earth without realizing you don’t have to. You can stay and still continue to look for happiness and love and life on this earth with people that love you. Come to a point of life where you realize that nobody is replaceable. Nobody. Everyone I have ever had in my life offered something different. And without you guys. Each and everyone. I am dying. I truly am. Whatever happened between us needs to be fixed. And mended. Forgiven. Because I need to feel like I can save a world. Even if it’s just my world and other people live in it. My apology letters will be long and deep. And endless list of recipients. Less than a bunch. More overdue than anything. And hopefully never too late.
Think of the world like that. It’s your world and people live in it. The perspective will make you want to please more.
XOXO, El’Aundra
Disclosure: Writing is a form of art to me. Poetry in a sense. And sometimes a more definitive type in itself. That being said, I am a huge fan of Miguel Ruiz’s principle “Don’t take anything personal.” These writings are something I have enveloped myself in since a child. Words have been a part of my life since a child. And as I got older, I appreciated my craft for what it was without giving too much attention to negative scrutiny.
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Morning Vibes
Guys, I have to figure out what’s wrong with me. There is something wrong. Let me tell you, I’ll be in my head thinking about something and here I go with a thought. But the thought is fine. It’s the delivery. I have not had this website as a fail safe for a while. It’s been on the ‘under construction’ mode for quite some time. And with that being the case, I was primarily using social media of other forms to post my feelings. Now, all of a sudden last night I had a panic attack at work. It was revelatory and I just kept saying to myself ‘I hate this’. Because I start crying and then my head feels like it’s swelling up. And then
’He found the love of a good woman..’
And in my goodness I will have to say this. I have to say that I will vow love my husband; to conform to the new ways of this world. I must say that I will make it my infinite desire to please him. And my heart is big. My mind is full. My soul is deep. I really feel a little ethereal in this sense. I know. Because I really truly would allow him to have 4 girlfriends. Even if they were my best friends. And we are married. But he knows his boundaries. And I know mine. So he knows himself. And I know me. But we are never without one another. Because our house is a home. It’s just not only a home to us. He accepts the mind body and sexuality I have. He understands that the alternative could also be me marrying 4 men and pleasing all of my husbands making my friends happy too. There’s sooooo many ways this could go. I just want to love and honor him for honoring me. And even if that’s more than one, that’s ok. Because in this world, as beautiful as it is; it’s natural to want to please someone. And sometimes there’s other ways to please that create a nice environment to create confidence love and security to prosper and have deeper more meaningful relationships with people. That’s the real me.
I know I have work to do. I have so much apologizing to do… and it’s something that can be done. Because I really do love more than I hate. I just need the space and time to come back around after certain things in life. And I know that hurts people. But I’m nowhere near perfect. So I just want to focus on a way I can stay stationary as someone that isn’t lost for all of these people who feel like they lost me. Because again, people make mistakes. And I would not be my real self if I said that I couldn’t forgive someone. I have to. And I have to explain myself. And I have to be better and do better. And I have to understand where I went wrong and how I can fix things. Especially if it means how I’m seen sometimes. I’m just saying, there’s a reason God made me who I am. And maybe I have a good foothold on the beginning of some way to find my purpose. Albeit a wife or an rockstar or a model. Inspiration of some sort right?
So going back to the first paragraph, I looked over and asked him ‘Is good the same as nice?’
A good person doesn’t have to be nice. But you can have a good and nice person. And a nice person isn’t necessarily good.Sometimes I overextend. Blaming you as a man and acting like you’re everyone else. Which you then don’t deserve. Read back to something I posted yesterday when I was having a moment… essentially no. I want to state I was not fair in what I said. It was improperly posted, amongst other things I was addressing; this in particular is my current thought…
I said ‘I’d give you a chance if you were not like the men from my past’
Edit: ‘I’d give you a chance because you wanted the chance and I wanted to give it to you.
That then allows the person to understand they can have an open and honest conversation with you and you are open and receptive enough to receive it.
The former statement makes men not want to be around me. And I know myself. That’s just not me… so as I continue to get comfortable settling back into who I am I figured I would share my thoughts.
I know myself.
I’m sorry.
El’Aundra -
Not all work is friendly
Wise words.
We are talking at work.
And the lady said don’t treat everyone.
At work like they’re your friend.
Don’t be so quick to let your guard down.
And this is another reason I move different.
It’s not you, it’s me.
My boundaries.
My upbringing.
My wisdom.
That tells me I must get to know you before I can trust you.
Especially at work.
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Valor
I remember him asking what I needed. I said I need to work. Have a home to come back to. And someone to rub my body. And company. And just a support that’s there while I grind and work on getting my house and everything settled for the kids. I can’t commit to custody agreements with no car and be traveling to different cities for work just to get paid more than in Syracuse. And after some shady shit in the beginning of June, there was a Viking at my rescue. And for that I’m thankful af. Because I was given a chance to have what I said I needed and then see it through. And of course there’s more to need… but I’m not needing to bother. I’m not needing to harm. I’m not needing to deceive. I just need someone who wants to be by my side. And it was the ‘stay here as long as you want and work on you first’ and I took that chance. Other times I felt like someone might want to give me a place to stay. But they might want something else in return and what if I couldn’t deliver. I often thought about the circumstances. The timing. Sometimes I felt like I was only offered a bed to sleep the night. And I would get there and you acted like you didn’t want me around. That bothered me, knowing I was not here deceiving you telling you I needed somewhere to stay and I really didn’t. So it wasn’t something I would have been wise if I didn’t consider the alternative angles presented. I am grateful for these foundational things because sometimes your environment can be toxic. Think of it this way…
Choice 1: Man really liked this girl. And he wanted to help her. So he offered. He knew he could make money off her being in his house. And it is that he wants the money selfishly for himself. Not to help her
Choice 2: Man really liked this girl. And he wanted to help her. So he offered. He knew he could make money with her and help her by letting her stay in his house. And it is that he wants to help her, make her life easier and see her succeed. Not watch her fail.
Which choice do you want? I choose #2. It’s the respect factor. He wants to know more about her on a deeper level by exploring her interests and passions and talents with her. Hence investing in her. Reminding her of her greatness. Reassuring her and more. So… that was what made me leap. I need this body to work and heal. And what I didn’t need was to be in a shelter alone and by myself. I needed to be in a bed with someone who could make sure I’m ok at night when I’m sleeping. I’m not having panic attacks at 3am etc. And without making it seem like I need round the clock care in that sense. But it’s the factor that I’ve already been alone for so much of my life. I didn’t want more loneliness if I could help it. So I decided to help myself and accept help. And I’m quite thankful and pleased.
I have much respect for the military. Wars. Politics and more. But I appreciate the advice the most. Because when it comes to living life better, I would appreciate the advice from people who see more potential in me than I see in myself. From people who want to show me more of life. And I appreciate being able to be independent to some extent and work.We went to family dollar. I was silly in the store of course. But I needed body wash. Didn’t want to ask. I have no money. And even in a relationship I just don’t like asking. I don’t expect you to read my mind I just get uncomfortable with asking for too much. And $5 body wash was too much. So I thought to myself I can’t wait to work and get my own money and buy what I need. Then I don’t have to feel like I’m annoying by asking. You know? Later that afternoon I found $16. I went and got a few things that make me smile. Including body wash. But my face was just delighted with joy. I couldn’t believe I had just found a little bit of money!
I appreciate everyone who has tried to help in any way or another. And trust me. I went through so much emotionally. I was mad at God. For making me pick myself up the way I had to and I didn’t have my Nana this time. I was angry because I was feeling like I needed to breathe. Just breathe.
I don’t require what other people require. It wasn’t my intention to dive into anything other than being a peaceful addition to this home and having a peaceful environment to thrive so that I can build what I’m used to having for myself family and kids.
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Today at work
At work working on this post…
When I wireframe it out in my mind nursing is in the heart.
And it’s in mine.
Always has been.
Another love of building and designing things.
And landscaping.
Ceramics.
Art.
I imagine I’ll be going to school.
Getting degrees for the next 10 years.
If I desire.
And wouldn’t it be nice sitting.
Next to the kids doing homework together.
In my mind that’s what I envision.
And the family mode.
He’s inspiring me to better myself.
To go after what brings me peace.
And happiness and makes the entire family happy.
Like the earrings?
They were in a bag of old jewelry.
I’m never too good for fake costume jewelry.
Never too good for vintage second hand clothes.
Never too good to be homeless and broke.
Never too good to be single.
Never too good.
Just good enough to be me.
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Cosmic Fortitude
I had opened the door.
And quite honestly at that time for me.
It was exactly what I needed.
When it came to each time.
I opened the door the excitement mounted.
I just got more and more into the process.
Of waiting for the arrival and excited.
To open the door much like a surprise.
There was a feeling that I could have explained.
To other people as a good fit.
The essence of the way I melted was satisfying.
When you go through periods in life.
Where you’re down and just feel low about yourself.
Your drive.
Happiness and other things.
There could very well be a place to turn.
And that place was a cosmic place.
Meeting at the same table every time.
Well, I know we both wanted juice.
A handmade special blend.
And then I’ll sit and tell you all the things.
Relax, unwind.
Stay a little longer.
That was always the thing.
My heart hurt when you left.
I would want you to stay longer.
And linger.
My body yearned for the security your hands gave it.
When you massaged my shoulders.
If it be up to someone else.
To try and take you from me, they might.
Oh, they might.
But I got this deep fluttering feeling in my stomach.
When I saw these camouflage pants with an orange stripe.
Neon orange in fact.
And it took all my strength to keep my heart intact.
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The man in the photo
I never felt like I needed to have ownership of this man to be in his life. Never any bad intentions for being there. It was always peace. And it’s like you have someone to look up to when times are hard and you doubt yourself. Because they have already said they believe in you.
During the time of my healing from being hit by the car there was one key factor of life that sustained me in ways that I had known before. In youth. In spirit. In hope. I remained preserved. I remember going into my phone and the Walgreens app needing to release the pain. Some of the work you must do when working on the pain body and releasing it includes you subjecting yourself to visually focusing on alternate sources of peace or being in your vision visually. And I was. I live in my head naturally and has created this life we live together in my head over the years. I felt that the only way I could heal was printing his picture out from there. And I did. A 4×7. I then posted it on the wall. Recognizing that it would make me feel that much better. When I went to sleep I kissed him good night. And when I woke in the morning I would kiss him. Even the fact that I worked overnights didn’t bother me. My faith in my love for him was so strong that I knew without a doubt I was going to have him one day to myself. And it was little things like we had the same exact sunglasses. And burgundy sweats. And clothes. And talked the same. It took over me. Intoxicated me. So I would listen to that afrobeats song and do my work. Honoring the dream. I took this photo around that time as well. 💚He always said he admired my strength. My heart honored that in itself coming from a man like him. Having so much respect, I knew that I needed to be in a right energy to be around him. Otherwise I know my own nature would not last. I woke breaking down in tears because I was in so much pain. So often. But I knew I could get through it. I did know that. It was the non-judgmental character. The deep friendship 12 years old. I appreciate everything. Like a little girl with her crush on Shamar Moore. He was always a celebrity to me. Always
I got so frustrated and ashamed of how I felt about him that I ripped the picture up. And then I printed it again. Realizing that I was just going through what I needed to in order ti draw him to me eventually. And so, I printed out an 8×10. And I hope to pick it up soon. Because I am thankful for the trinkets from my kids and his photograph helping me through. I saw him once after the accident. And it was like the love of my life walking in all over again. It was my love for him. My feeling that he is the most amazing, wonderful thing on this earth. Thankful for people like you in my life. And I will never love anyone like I love him. Because you’re your own one-of-a-kind person That might be something that some people might not like. But me not caring about the past is what’s important because I always said no matter what I take you as you are. Always.
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11.29.23
There were so many blessings yet so many lessons. So many wonderful people amongst the alternative. At this time, I was working at Amazon until 11/21/23. It seems they had “lost” my Leave of Absence paperwork and I was stunned. Already quite broke from being so depressed and buying shit I didn’t need; my mental was not right. I was still in shock somewhat. I didn’t know how to ask for help and so I did not. It surely wasn’t that I didn’t need it. Oblivious to so much that was going on. I had just been hit by a car less than 45 days before and was still working out, trying to regain strength. What was odd about this period of time is that on Valentine’s Day 2024, I found out that this girl I had met in july 2023 had died. So around the time that this video was made, she was already dead. And we had a wonderful connection I will always cherish. But that is not the craziest part that hurts because I don’t know the truth as to why I was never told about her death. We used to sit outside of where she worked. Which was RIGHT NEXT DOOR to where I was staying at the time. All I can do is say that when I found out from a friend of mine that looked on Facebook, it was because I had seen that he had such a wonderful spirit and wanted to link him with her. So he looks on Facebook and sees that she died 10.9.23. 5 days after I was hit by the car. And I broke down crying. All I can do is explain it as a feeling of betrayal along with a sense of loss. Kind of like you don’t know who to trust. But I still had so much love around me at the time. And those burgundy sweats… GOD do I love those.
